


The Monster Inside Me

by Puregold



Series: Camp Camp High High [4]
Category: Camp Camp (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Child Abandonment, Child Neglect, Harrison got adopted by Nerris's parents in this au, Harrison has magic 'powers', Highschool Party, Internalized Homophobia, It's just weed and booze ya'll, M/M, Neil is uhm autistic :3, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, also david is max's dad but thats irrelevent, but those things do happen in chapter 4, nikki/nerris an max/preston are side ships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-09 21:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12284514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puregold/pseuds/Puregold
Summary: Harrison's powers have never been easy to control and only brought him misery. Ever since he got thrown out of the house by his parents when he was 14, he swore never to use them again.One night, Nerris and him get in an argument, and the next morning she's sick as a dog. It's his fault, isn't it? Who will save him from his own toxic thoughts?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I am so fkin excited 2 write this its gonna be gay and lit af

"JUST FUCKING OWN UP TO YOUR SHIT FOR GODS SAKE'S, HARRISON!" Shouts Nerris.

"I DO! BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU GET FUCKING OFFENDED BY FRACTIONS!" I shout back, shoving the chair I'm sitting in away from the table and standing.

"Eat shit." She replies, snide and ugly.

"I hope you piss _blood._ " I glare back at her before stomping down the hall and slamming the door to my room shut. Of course I didn't mean it, and neither did she, but we were both pissed and not thinking clearly.

I throw myself down on my bed and hug the pillow, shutting my eyes and taking deep breaths to try and calm myself. I was helping Nerris with math homework that she didn't understand, we were barely halfway through at 10 in the evening, and we were both tired and cranky. Our parents- No, _her_ parents, were currently out on a date, so they hadn't heard our shouting.

I'll apologize tomorrow. Probably.

I end up sleeping in till 9 next morning. Whatever, it was a late and stressful night, and I have nowhere to be. I go down the hall, fix myself a bowl of Lucky Charms, and eat in silence. Mrs. Breyer, Nerris's mom, is watching TV in the living room while Mr. Breyer seems to be in his 'man cave'. Since Nerris is still not up by the time I'm finished with breakfast, I sigh and decide to pop some eggo's in the microwave for her. A little breakfast in bed never hurts with an apology, right?

As I wait for the waffles to cook, I look around at the quaint one-story house that I now live in. After I got kicked out, I was... On my own. For a little while. I didn't want anyone to know, being pretty ashamed of myself for some time. It was about a week later, apparently Nerris got suspicious and decided to follow me 'home', only to realize I was living in a box wedged between two garbage bins. Ever since then, her family took me in and have practically cared for me as if I'm their own kid. It's quite flattering, and... Jaw-dropping, to be honest. They even wish I would stop calling them "Mr and Mrs. Breyer", and converted the guest bedroom to be my new room. It was a kindness I'd never known, and would never be able to repay.

The microwave dinged and I slathered some butter on the waffles before taking them over to Nerris's room and knocking on her door.

"Nerris? Got you waffles." I say, waiting for a response.

She mumbles something akin to 'come in', and I open her door to find she hasn't even moved from her bed, looking miserable.

I frown, setting the waffles down on her nightstand before sitting next to her. "You okay? I'm sorry about last night."

She coughs, wiping away the slight teary-ness in her eyes with the sleeves of her sweater before replying in a croaky voice. "Me too. I just feel shitty, is all."

I feel her forehead and she shivers, before I pull away with wide eyes. "Oh my God! Y- your burning up!"

"A-am I?" She slurs. "S'fine, jus a lil' cold is all."

I feel a sinking feeling hit my gut with a sudden realization.

_This is all my fault._

"You okay? Y'look all... Sad." She croaks out, before pulling away to cough into her sleeve.

I pull away, standing as I back out of the room. "Uh, yeah! I'll go... Get you some medicine."

She gives me a weak thumbs up before I hurry down the hall and to my room, shutting the door behind me and grabbing my backpack. Of course I did this. Why did I think things would be okay if I just 'stopped using' my magic? I'm a fucking idiot. I don't know how this shit works one bit. The only thing I know is that it's founded in _belief_ , like I'm fucking Peter Pan or some shit. I actually thought that if I went to a shitty summer camp, I'd figure out how to bring my brother back? Stupid.

My parents were right about me. I'm cursed. I was sent by the Devil as some kind of divine punishment. Between the incident with Max, (it took fucking _days_ for me to figure out how to reverse the spell), and Egolas/Omelee, and every other thing I've fucked up, I'm a monster. And I've decided that I'm never gonna be the source of anyone's pain ever again.

So I empty the contents of my backpack on the ground, piling up all the school supplies by my bed before grabbing a few clothes, some deodorant and body wash from the bathroom, and as much non-perishable food as I can before zipping the thing up and grabbing a 20$ off the counter. That's all I'll need to get where I want to go. I then scrawl out a quick note explaining the whole thing, before leaving it on my bed.

I make my way into the living room, backpack slung over my shoulder as I smile politely at Mrs. Breyer. "Nerris is sick, by the way."

She frowns. "Aww, poor baby." Before rising and grabbing some medicine from the kitchen cabinet.

"Hey, uh. I'm gonna head out. Meet some friends at the mall for tutoring." I lie.

"Okay. You got money? What time will you be back?"

"Yeah, I got money. I'll be back at 3." I lie again. That's both a reasonable time-frame to be out for 'tutoring', and enough time for me to get far away from here.

"Okay. Have fun! Be safe!" She calls out, before I shut the door behind me and walk down the street and towards the nearest bus stop.


	2. I'm (Not) Gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, fuck. Just realized that chronologically, this makes no sense in my au since I've alluded to Neil admitting he has a crush on Harrison before! Aw, beans.
> 
> wELP- TIME TO RETCON!

"Hi, Neil."

"Leave me alone. I'm trying to work." Which wasn't a lie. I was busy finishing up my AP bio-engineering homework, when Tabii decided to saunter up and plop herself down right beside me in the quiet, near empty library.

"Aw, cmon. Don't you have time to spend with your _giiirlfriieennd?~_ " She asks, tracing my shoulder with her finger.

I wrinkle my nose and flick her hand off. "Quit it." She hasn't _actually_ had a crush on me in years. In fact, the only reason she talks to me like that now is when she wants something from me.

"Neil, are you gay?"

"What?" I ask, shocked by the abruptness and absurdity of her question.

She rolls her eyes. "Are you _gay?_ You've never had a girlfriend and anytime a girl was interested in you, you'd be all like 'gross, no, ew'. Even when it was someone as gorgeous and amazing as me."

"It's not that I'm not interested in girls, I'm just not interested in _you_. " I retaliate, flustered. I turn back to my work and attempt to tune her out, blushing.

She scoffs, clearly offended, before flicking her wrist. "What about Makayla or Emilie or that girl with the frizzy bun?" She counters. "Those girls were all into you an they're _totes_ attractive."

I sigh, quickly finishing off the last two problems before packing my stuff up. "Makayla had bad breath, Emilie was a huge snob, and Summer was a brat."

"You're impossible." She replies, with a wave and a blown kiss as I leave.

It's not like I have a problem with gay people. Hell, half my _friends_ are gay, or bi, or trans, or whatever. It's just that I'm... Not. I love girls! There's plenty of, uh, great romantic aspects to them. If I were to meet a girl who's funny, and smart, and loves the quadratic formula as much as I do, well I'd marry her on the spot!

It's not like I'd have a problem with my family if I came out as gay! I mean, my dad might not get it at first, but soon enough he'd have a rainbow cape tied around his neck and asking me "where the bears are at, dude" or if I wanted to "go check out some twinks together". Yikes. And my mom, she'd be... Fine with it. Probably. I mean, she's a corporate business-mom! Surely, she wouldn't care what my sexuality is, so I have nothing to worry about! Which I don't. 'Cause I'm not gay.

Speaking of which, she's waiting for me just as I head out of the library entrance. She gives me a curt smile and waves me over, asking me a million questions as I step in the passengers seat.

"Is that Tabii? Are you still into her? She crushing back?"

"Incorrect. I never had a crush on her and she only used to have a crush on me. She just wanted something from me."

"Oh? And what was that?"

I hesitate. Well, if I'm not gay, then telling her should be no problem, right? I smile and laugh. "She thought I was gay an that's why I didn't like her."

All mom does is purse her lips and adjust her mirrors, and I swallow back my anxieties. What the fuck? Why'd that make me anxious? It's probably because I have gay friends and I'm upset on their behalf! Yeah!

"Uh... Mom?" I prompt.

"I mean, it's fine if your friends wanna do it. But I'm in a very fragile position in the company and the slightest thing could soil my reputation." She replies.

Oh, fuck. That's right. One of the big reasons why my parents divorced in the first place was that my mom cared about her work more than him. Whatever. Best not to get in an argument with her about it, lest she think _I'm_ gay. Which I'm not.

When we arrive home, my phone's practically blowing up with texts. I raise my eyebrows and skim them over, a pit hitting my stomach when I read the words _"Harrison missing"_ over and over again.

I don't even bother taking off my shoes or unpacking my bag, instead I just fling it in my room before replying to Max. _Jesus, okay. Calm down and come over or something._

_David will drive me over so we can pick your bitch-ass up. We're goin' over to Nerris's place an snoopin for clues._

I sigh. So much for an easy Saturday.

I lay back on my bed and rub my hands over my eyes. Why the fuck would Harrison _do_ that? Everyone knows he was having... Trouble, after his parents kicked him out. And who wouldn't? My parents may hate each other an be awkward an all that, but at least they love me. And that's such a basic thing that's needed in any parent-child relationship. Whatever. Maybe he's just being emotional and stupid. I decide I might as well grab my laptop and pack it in its case, grabbing a cup of coffee on my way out the door. God knows they're gonna want me to track the location on his phone or something.

Soon enough, Max's tiny ass rolls up in my driveway and he reaches over David to honk at me despite David's protests.

I roll my eyes at him, practically strolling as I walk up to the car and get in the back.

"Quit with the leisurely stroll crap. This is serious." Says Max snarkily as David drives in the direction of Nerris's place.

"Of course it's serious, but you don't have to rush me." I reply, sipping from my mug. "Speaking of which, how long has he been missing?"

"Couple hours. Said he was gonna be back home by 3 today, but he was late, an Nerris's mom texted him. His phone was in his room and there was a note on his bed."

I groan. "I'm not gonna be able to track him if he doesn't have any electronics." The smart little fucker thought ahead.

"We'll figure it out. Nikki's there too, and you know how she can track a person's trail or some shit. We'll find him." He reassures, half to me and half to himself. He's right, though. Harrison can't have gone far.

"You kids be careful about all this. I'll try to calm down Mrs. Breyer." Comments David as he parks the car in Nerris's driveway.

"Yeah, yeah." Mumbles Max. I follow him inside and Nikki's at our faces in seconds, waving a paper in our face.

"Read it! Read it! He said he made Nerris sick and he doesn't wanna hurt people no more!" She shouts as Max snatches it from her clutches. I lean towards him and read over his shoulder.

_Dear Mr. and Mrs. Breyer, Nerris, and friends_

_I'm sorry for bailing on you guys. But it's safer this way. For you._

_I'm dangerous. I've known this since I was little, and yet I kept choosing_

_to ignore it or try to control it. I was foolish, and I refuse to hurt the_

_ones I love any more. Don't look for me._

_Signed, Harrison._

"His penmanship is incredulous, I'll give him that much." I comment, taking the note and going back into his bedroom.

"That's _seriously_ all you have to say about this?" Asks Max. "Aren't you too close friends?"

"Yes, and that's why I know this isn't something to worry our heads off about. We'll find him before sundown." _Hopefully,_ I think to myself.

I then sit put the note on his nightstand, and the three of us dig through his shit looking for clues. We end up finding a few old notes and letters, most of them addressed to his parents, and we've almost concluded our search when I find an envelope under his bed, addressed "To Neil". I bite my lip, considering whether I _really_ want to read this letter or not, before finally deciding to open it and pulling out the piece of paper inside.

I skim it, before my eyes catch the words "crush" and "love", and I decide to go through and read the damn thing with trembling hands.

_Dear Neil,_

_If you ever find this letter, then I'm probably dead. Basically, I've had a crush on you since camp._

_You're very smart, and funny, and stubborn, and I kinda love you. Not like I'd ever say that to you, of course. But_

_in my wildest dreams, I would confess my love for you while materializing a bouquet of roses out of thin air, prompting you ___

____

_to ask "how the hell I did that", and then I'd kiss you. That's never gonna happen, though, so I've just resolved to write it ___

______ _ _

_down and get all these sappy feelings out._

______ _ _

__Truly yours, Harrison. ____

_________ _ _ _ _ _

I feel my face heat up and my heart rate increase, my hands trembling as I hurriedly tuck the letter back in the envelope and shove it under his bed. Am I sweating? Fuck, I'm sweating. I feel my mouth go dry as my head spins. I never- I never even suspected he had a crush on me. Does he still have a crush on me? M-maybe he wrote that when we were still campers, and just hung onto it for some foolish reason. Oh, _fuck_. Memories of our time spent together come flooding back to me as I leave the room and go down the hall towards Nerris's room.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

I won't deny that when I was first coming of age, I thought about boys... A lot. I even had brief crushes on Space Kid and Max. But all kids thing silly things, right? Kids experiment! And of course, since Harrison and I had a bit of a rivalry and spent a lot of time together, I thought about him. And it only got _worse_ the older the two of us got. His features and muscles got more defined, and I'd feel myself staring for a bit too long. Oh, God, no. I can't be gay!

_________ _ _ _ _ _

I push the thoughts to the back of my mind and bury them, before taking a deep breath and opening the door to Nerris's room.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

"Nerris?" I prompt.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

She replies in weak mumbles, and I continue. "Harrison left his phone here. Do you know if he brought any electronic devices with him when he decided to skip town?"

_________ _ _ _ _ _

Nerris rubs her eyes and sits up. and god does she look _bad_. Her hair is plastered to her forehead with sweat, and she's shivering, and her eyes are red and teary. "His, uh... He had an ipod. When his parents kicked him out, an he never got rid of the thing. Maybe that?"

_________ _ _ _ _ _

I nod. "Okay, thanks. Get some rest."

_________ _ _ _ _ _

I then go back into Harrison's room, where the gang waits for me with confused looks on their faces.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

"What'd you find out?" Asks Max.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

"I think I know how to find him." I reply, before sitting on Harrison's bed and getting out both his and my laptop. I then use a USB port to connect our laptops and my phone to my own laptop before turning on all the devices.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

"Damn, that's a setup." Comments Nikki as her and Max climb up on the bed to sit on either side of me.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

"You should see the one I have at home." I reply, before digging through Harrison's files in hopes of finding something connected to his iPod.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

It takes a couple hours, but I eventually have the location of Harrison's iPod downloaded and traceable on my phone. I then unplug the USB ports and put everything up.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

"Sweet! So, where is he? Let's go get 'em!" Exclaims Nikki as she bounds up from the bed.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

"I think I should go alone. He's not super far and Nerris and I are the ones most likely to talk some sense into him. Plus, I don't wanna scare him off by bringin' a bunch of people down there. He's more likely to listen if it's just me."

_________ _ _ _ _ _

Max lets out a half-hearted laugh before saying. "Okay, hot-shot. We'll be here; bring our boy home safe!"

_________ _ _ _ _ _

I roll my eyes. "Yeah yeah." I say, before leaving the house and making my way down to the bus stop.

_________ _ _ _ _ _

Besides, if I go alone, then maybe I'll get the chance to ask him about... _That_

_________ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got my info on judaism from wikipedia so if yr jewish an some a my shit makes no sense pls comment an let me kno <3


	3. Lost and Found

I sit on the relatively quiet public bus on a seat at the back by myself and check the location of Harrison's iPod. Since it's around 5 pm, there aren't many people on right now, so I'm relieved to have a bit of peace and quiet as I stare out the window at the passing streetlights.

Of course he'd choose that godforsaken place to go to. I didn't even bring any bug spray with me and the mosquitoes would eat me alive out there. I sigh, biting my lip as I look down and fidget with my hands. And then there's... _that_. How do I ask him, exactly, in a not-gay way about a letter that he probably wrote years ago? What if he doesn't even feel the same and it's just awkward? What if he gets mad at me for reading it in the first place? I narrow my eyes, blushing. Stupid. Why would I even _care_ what he thinks? In fact, I probably shouldn't even bring it up at all. It's irrelevant and I'm not gay, so whatever.

I lean forward, resting my head against my hands on the back of the chair in front of me as I watch the rest of the passengers get off the bus one by one at various stops in throughout the city. First off is an old man with a cane and groceries. The next is a middle-aged red-headed woman and her kids. Then the next one, and the next one, until the only one left on the damn bus is me and the driver, taking me out of town and towards the fucking boonies.

Who knows if the old town near camp campbell is still even afloat, honestly. But since the driver's still making his daily stop there, some old fogies must be around. Soon, there are more trees than there are people, and I'm reminded of why I hate nature as the sun sets in the distance. It's hot, and murky, and there are too many gross bugs and animals. And it's entirely unhygienic.

The driver makes conversation as we steadily approach the distant small town. "So, what brings you all the way out here, kid?"

"Taking care of business, is all. Catchin' up with an old friend." I reply, trying to remain as vague and distant as possible.

"That's always a fun time."

I laugh. "Yeah, 'fun'", because this situation is anything but.

Soon enough, the driver arrives at his last stop of the day to let me off with a cheerful goodbye. I sling my backpack over my shoulder and pull out the flashlight app on my phone before beginning the long, honestly kind of spooky hike into the woods, all while tracking Harrison's iPod. My battery is actually draining kind of fast.

In preparation of my phone dying, I text Max that it's pretty late and the bus already made its last stop of the day, so we probably won't be back home till tomorrow. He just says that that's fine, but everyone's still freaking out about it.

A breeze sweeps trough the trees, causing the wind to whistle ominously as I spot smoke from a campfire in the distance. I then turn the brightness down on my phone and follow the trail, assuming that Harrison will be at the source. The woods have always creeped me the hell out. Day and night. Too many perfect places for a serial killer to live and hide the bodies of their victims. Or, there's just the fact that it's filled with foreign creatures, some of which would kill you without hesitation. So I won't deny that it makes my skin crawl with every rustle in the darkness as I pick up the pace towards the campfire.

I sigh in relief once I spot Harrison. He's sitting on an old log by the old fire pit, munching on some granola bars. "Hey." I echo.

He snaps his head up to look at me, jumping a bit as he's startled. "Oh. Hey. You found me." He says, matter-of-factly.

I roll my eyes. "Duh I found you. You took your iPod." I reply as I sit beside him and stare into the warmth of the flames.

He laughs. "Shoulda known you'd be able to find me even with somethin as simple as that. You _were_ the kid who made fully-automated chat bots out of graphing calculators, after all."

"Aw, that's baby stuff." I reply. "Now I make my own damn robots for fun."

He laughs. "Guess I just couldn't leave this old dumb thing behind." He says, pulling the old beat-up iPod out of his bag and brushing the dirt off it with his thumb. "It was the, uh... Last gift my parents bought me. Before my brother."

I take a deep breath, trying to ground myself. "You... Know you're gonna have to come back, right?"

"Nah." He replies simply. "And I'm not trying to be dumb and angsty and shit. It's just a fact that I'm dangerous and you guys could get hurt if I keep hangin' around you. It's _science,_ Neil."

I sneer. "Oh, don't you pull that bullshit on me. It's 'science' that everyone's fuckin dangerous, technically. We all hurt the people we care about on accident. It's apart of growing and maturing. Doesn't matter if you have stupid fuckin' powers or not. In some alternate reality, Nerris is the one that hurt _you_ 'cause she threw her dice at you in a tizzy an it hit you in the eye or somethin'. Doesn't mean she meant to do it, or anything like that."

He laughs again, though it's empty. "Good point, I guess." He then goes quiet for a while, and it's just the two of us sitting in stunned silence, basking in the warmth from the flickering fire. I can't help but grow more nervous with each passing second.

"I guess I'm still pretty fucked up about my parents, y'know?" He speaks, finally. "They kinda really... Really ingrained into me that I'm cursed, and a monster, and all that stuff. It's stupid and their wrong, or whatever, but I was just a kid. And-" He starts to tear up. "When your a kid, you can hear the most untrue thing but it doesn't matter. Because your a kid and everything's true. Everything your parents say is right, and it's hard to grow out of that."

I chuckle a bit. "Uh, I, uh. Get what you mean, kinda." I begin, looking away and taking another deep breath. "A lot of our friends have kinda... Fucked up relationships with their parents like that. And I get that you were hurting and confused and you internalized everything, but, uh..." I sigh. "Everyone's real worried about you, and you can't... Run away or disappear like that again, yeah?"

"I-I know." He replies, sitting up straighter and wiping at his tears.

"...You can... Talk to me, y'know?" I say, rubbing my arm awkwardly and biting my lip. "If you can't talk to Nerris or her parents about something. I'm here and... I'll try my best."

"That's all I can really ask of you, Neil." He says, and he looks at me with this warm smile, and I look back at him, and he's so damn pretty and vulnerable against the flickering light of the fire. I can feel myself blush and holy fuck I might be gay.

"Harrison?" I blurt out.

"Yeah?" He replies, and I'm already barreling down the next sentence before he can properly get out his response.

"Back at your room, we found a letter. Well, not we, I did, 'cause we were looking through your stuff for clues and it said 'to Neil' so I opened it and read it and you don't still have those feelings, right? It's not like it's a bad thing if you do or anything but that was a- uh- kiddy crush?" I ask, my face burning red like a tomato.

He throws his head back and laughs so hard that I think he might be suffocating, before saying. "Neil, that one summer you made a chat bot of yourself and programmed it to fight everyone's specific interests. Well, I mean, I _did_ think that I was genuinely talking to you before it was revealed that I wasn't, and over time I confessed my feelings to the bot. Bot you was ecstatic to be in this new relationship and all that, and I was super happy, but then it wasn't you and I got disappointed and just kinda buried the feelings, but y'know what?"

"What?" I reply.

"The feelings _never_ went away." He says, and then he's kissing me.

It happens so fast it feels like I'm dying, or I'm in purgatory or something. His hand grabs onto mine and I clasp my fingers around his but I don't know why. I don't know why I'm not pulling away and I must be trembling so hard he can feel it, but his eyes are closed and he's still kissing me but my eyes are wide open and I don't know what to do. And now his tongue is in my mouth and oh god what's going on?? Why am I not pushing him away?? Why does this feel good? My hearts racing and eventually my eyes flutter shut, and the two of us kiss for another second before he pulls away, seeming surprised.

"Wow."

Now out of my touch-starved stupor, I pull away frantically and lean back. "W-what do you mean, 'wow'!? You kissed me!"

He laughs. "I know, why didn't you pull away?"

"I DON'T KNOW, WHY DID YOU KISS ME?" I shout, and I can feel tears well up in my eyes as I shuffle backwards, towards the end of the log, getting emotional.

"I-I only kissed back 'cause I've never been kissed before! That's it! It was an experiment!" I shout, hysterical, voice cracking as my hands tremble and I feel all kinds of anxiety rushing over me.

"Neil, aw, fuck, Neil, I'm sorry, I-" Says Harrison, making his way closer towards me and reaching out to hold my hand.

My sensory overload gets the best of me, and I smack his hand away before falling off the log. "Don't touch me!" I shriek, and I feel alone and trapped and terrified.

Everything is too bright and loud and it all feels too close, I can feel every single texture of my clothes and the dirt on my palms and I shut my eyes and bite my lip, my hands clenched so hard I have white knuckles. I want to just take _off_ my clothes so that all this stuff isn't rubbing all over me and I need my weighted blanket but of course it's in my backpack and my backpack is nowhere near me, so instead I just hyperventilate, having a panic attack as Harrison watches in horror.

"Fuck, okay." He whispers, and it sounds like he's shouting but I know he's not. He then asks if I can open my eyes, which I do, though squinting and he hands me the earbuds to his iPod. I put them in, and the cicadas chirping and fire crackling and wind whistling is all hummed out now.

I watch him through slanted eyes as he grabs my backpack and pulls out the blanket, before returning to me and handing it over. I gratefully accept, laying on top of it and pulling it over my face and eyes as I calm down. It's not ideal, but it'll work for now as I take deep breaths and try to distance myself from my environment.

About 20 minutes later, I take out an earbud experimentally, and slowly but surely make my way to a seated position on my blanket. Harrison is just a few feet away, roasting s'mores like it's no big deal.

"Sorry. About that." I say, embarrassed.

"No need to apologize." Harrison replies. "It was my fault anyway."

"How did you, uh... Know what to do?" I ask, rubbing my eyes. "It took my parents years to figure that shit out, and when I got like that in front of Max and Nikki they freaked the hell out."

"My brother was autistic." He says before offering me a s'more, which I decline. "And so is Nerris. So I've had, uh, practice."

I laugh. "Practice. David and Gwen didn't even know what to do my first summer at camp. And they're _counselors._ "

He smirks. "No one ever said they were good counselors."

The two of us share a laugh, before Harrison finally speaks up. "Hey, uh... We don't have to talk about what happened, by the way. If you don't wanna. We can forget about it."

I sigh. "No, it's... Something that should be talked about. 'Cause if not it'd probably eat away at me." I rub my shoulders and bite my lip, looking at everything but him as I talk. "I'm probably gay. Or at the very least, I should stop vehemently denying the idea that I might like boys. And that I might like, uh, you, specifically."

This time he blushes, as he throws a stick in the fire and says. "It's okay to be confused, Neil. Obviously I still like you, so... That's there."

I'm silent for about a minute as I think, before finally saying. "Here's the thing, Harrison; I _am_ confused. I am! And I don't wanna drag your feelings through the mud by 'experimenting' with you without being fully committed, but... I guess I'm not. Opposed to you. And I think I'm gonna do a lot of soul searching once we get back home tomorrow."

"Fair enough." He replies. "I, uh, found the counselor's cabin isn't in _too_ bad of shape after all these years. Wanna catch some Z's?"

" _Yes_. " I reply, before rising to my feet with my blanket and Harrison's iPod in tow. "I'm exhausted."

The two of us then make our way back to the cabin, and I text the group chat that I've found him before going to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I, personally, am not autistic, but I am adhd so I hope I got the whole 'sensory overload' stuff right! Pls comment if I got something wrong (but be nice 2 me pls!!)


	4. The Identity Struggle Is Real

Identity has been... Hard. Ever since Harrison and I kissed. I know that I for sure, definitely, _probably_ like boys, and I'm not sure where I stand on girls. I like them! Probably. They... Smell nice. The hardest thing about it is I'll be reading some story about how a gay guy came to terms with himself, and if I don't fuckin' line up _exactly_ the same, I start freaking out that I'm just making it all up.

My mom has also been... Difficult. It freaks me out to my core that she might find out I've been questioning, and shut that shit down as quick as possible. It's... Not that she doesn't love me or anything, but her career's really important to her. As a single, Jewish woman making it to the top of the corporate ladder, basically anything could fuck her over, including something as stupid as her son's sexuality.

Plus, things between Harrison and I have been pretty weird, to say the least. I've tried not to be alone with him since the kiss, especially since it's the first time I've ever been kissed and I keep dreaming about him kissing me like that again (and sometimes even more) and I always wake up feeling cozy and warm only to remember how damn _complicated_ the situation is.

And even when we're all hanging out as a group, sometimes he'll sit next to me and our knees touch and I feel butterflies swell in my chest and it sucks and I _hate_ it. One thing's for certain about my stupid fucking sexuality; I might be in love with Harrison. I've also felt a bit... Guilty. About the way I've been distancing myself from him lately, even though I _said_ he could talk to me.

I've been worried that he might think I'm mad at him for some time now, and today when he texts me during 4th block, I feel a wave of anxiety wash over me. He asked me if we could talk after school, and of course I said yes, because I owe him that much, don't I? Good thing the class is almost over, since I'm jiggling my leg so hard I think it might cause an earthquake.

After class, I head to the east side of the building (where Harrison said to meet), and sit on a bench outside the school to wait. Of course he arrives just about on time and takes a seat next to me with a warm smile.

"Am I in trouble?" I prompt, biting my lip.

"What? No. Why in the world would you be 'in trouble'?" He asks, laughing a bit. "I just wanted to... Talk about some stuff. I'm not mad at you, Neil."

I sigh. "Yeah, well, I'm sorry anyway. For kind of avoiding you. It's just been... Hard for me, and I didn't wanna drag you through the mud."

"It's fine." He replies with a slight nod. "I figured you'd need your space to, uh, figure things out. I was just wondering, if you don't mind, telling me what you've figured out? Since then?"

I blush, looking away to help collect my thoughts, and talking to the wall behind Harrison rather than actually _to_ him. "I think I probably like boys. At the very least, I know I... Think I like you." He blushes, and so do I, and I hastily continue with nerves pulsing through my veins. "But I don't wanna date you just for me to get all confused again and hurt you accidentally. It's all... Real weird right now."

Harrison nods, before laughing. "I understand. I, um, never woulda thought that you'd return my feelings in any way, to be honest. Its, uh... Whatever you wanna do. I don't mind... I mean, I'd love to date you, even if you _were_ still confused and all that, but it's up to you."

I take a deep breath. "Okay. I mean, at the very least, I'm gonna... Try to be less distant."

"That's fair." He replies. "Y'know, Ered's throwing a little get-together thing tonight. You'll be there?"

"Yeah." I confirm, and then my mom comes to pick me up and she I go home, me feeling more exhausted than usual.

Ideally, I would have spent the afternoon holed up in my room coding, but I do enjoy my friends and spending time with them. Plus, it'd probably be good for me, what with all the chaos going on as of recent.

So I brush my hair, grab some cash and home-made bubble bombs (Nikki will lose her goddamn mind if I don't bring some weird science shit for her to mess with), and take the bus down to Ered's side of town, where all the super-rich motherfuckers live.

Almost everyone is there by the time I get there, and Nikki comes bounding over to steal my bubble bombs then scampers off into the backyard to set them off.

"I literally can't get a moments peace with her." I halfheartedly complain.

"You love me!" She shouts from outside with a mischievous grin. I roll my eyes and sit on the couch, where Ered is playing Skate 3 and glitching out the game as hard as she possibly can.

"Why does the avatar just flop around like that." Complains Max. "He doesn't even yell and yet he broke like half the bones in his body. God, I love video games."

"Y'know a really game we could all play is this pathfinder where-" Nerris begins, but Harrison quickly cuts her off.

"We'll put your nerd game to a vote later, Nerris." He comments, entering the room from around the corner with two sodas in hand.

He then sits down next to me and offers me one, which I gratefully accept.

"We could play picture und charades!" Says Dolf, on the floor beside Space Neil.

"Charaaades!~ I pick Harrison, Dolf, Nerris, and Nikki pour moi." Shouts Preston, him almost hitting Max in the face with his expressiveness, sitting in his lap.

"Why am I not on your team?" Asks Max with a raised eyebrow.

"You're inexpressive and bad at it." Replies Preston bluntly.

"Why am I not on your team?" I inquire, folding my arms.

"You get nervous and never know what to do. Even for, like, REALLY simple ones, like 'butterfly' or 'dog'."

"Okay c'mon I can do charades for a _dog_ " I object.

"From what I recall, Neil, you once did do charades for a dog and we all thought it was a nervous monkey or a wounded seal." Counters Nerris.

"Oh god! Yes, I remember! Hahaha!" Shouts Preston, covering his mouth as he laughs at my expensive.

"Leave Britney alone." Impersonates Harrison with a grin.

"Nice 2007 reference you fucking NERD." Says Ered, throwing her skater avatar off the side of a large building and breaking just about every bone in his body.

"Why don't you play the game properly?" I ask.

"Bad games are not meant to be played properly." She replies.

"I have not played a single game 'properly' in my life." Comments Max.

Nikki then comes bounding in through the back door, cackling so hard she can't breath, before collapsing on the carpet below us.

"Oh my God! Ered's chihuahua is COVERED in bubbles!"

"Is he okay?" Asks Nerris, and Dolf is already off his feet and grabbing temporary dye before heading into the backyard, I'm assuming to wreak havoc on Ered's poor dog.

"Oh god, leave the dog alone." I say. "He's probably confused and scared to death."

"Literally every time I come over he doesn't even know what to DO 'cause I'm so goddamn unpredictable with him." Says Nikki, head in hands and kicking her feet up behind her mischievously.

"That's relatable." Max and I echo in unison.

"I second that!" Shouts Nerris with a smile. "But it's a good type of unpredictable."

Nikki then crawls over to Nerris, climbing on top of her and giving her a kiss. The rest of us all ew and gawk and unison, Max even throwing a pillow at the two of them.

"Get a room!"

"That's gay."

"We could take Ered's room." Says Nikki with a wink, to which Ered replies "No", not even looking down from the screen.

About an hour later and we're all sitting in a circle in Ered's living room, half of us drunk or high, playing Truth or Dare.

Max offers me the blunt he's holding with a simple. "Want some, Neil?"

I decline, to which Nikki coughs and says. "PUSSY" under her breath.

"I have asthma." I object with an annoyed tone.

"And we have ediblesssss." Mumbles Ered through her cross-faded haze.

"Oh my fucking god, fine." I reply, before standing and making my way into the kitchen to grab one of the brownies off the counter.

I've always had an inclination to try it anyway, so that I at least have a LITTLE less nerd in me. Plus I'm in a safe and comfortable environment with friends, so what's the worst that could happen?

"You're responsible if I die." I tease, sitting back down next to Harrison.

"As if."

"I know CPR." Says Nikki with a thumbs up.

"CPR does not help with asthma." I reply with a giggle.

About 30 minutes later I start to feel it, and boy does it hit me _hard_. I'm dizzy and feel kind of relaxed and also pretty giggly. It's like there's a thick foggy haze in my head. Then it's my turn for truth or dare, from Nikki.

"Truth."

"Pussy." Says Nikki, before groaning. "Okay. What'd you and Harrison do or talk about when he ran off like a month ago?"

"Fuck..." I mumble, straining my brain to remember. "We had s'mores and talked about feelings and made out."

Harrison, in his sober state, seems shocked but not particularly mad or embarrassed, and the whole room is roaring with laughter, including my own.

"FINALLY! GOD, THE TENSION WAS THERE FOR SO LONG!"

"Did you guys fuck?"

"DID YOU FUCK?"

"Oh my God! Shh! Shut!" I complain, waving my arm and covering my ears and eyes. It's pretty bright and the sudden increase in volume does a number on my senses, so I stand to go dim down the lights as Nikki pesters me.

"Are ya'll boyfriends yet? Y'all are boyfriends, right?"

"No, because, like..." And I then hover by the light switch, contemplating why Harrison and I _still_ aren't dating. What am I afraid of? Why am I living my life in fear? People always live their lives in fear and all they do is end up sad and dead. I don't wanna be sad and dead, I wanna be alive and gay. I'm gay! I'm gay, fuck you mom!

"FUCK IT!" I shout, making my way back across the room and plonking myself down in Harrison's lap. "Let's date."

"What?" He replies, in shock.

"Life's too short! YOLO! I don't wanna be all nervous an anxiety-ridden about stupid BULLSHIT anymore. You make me so damn happy." The room kinda looks like it's spinning.

"Neil, you're pretty high, which I don't know how that's possible since you had _one_ brownie, but still-"

"Shut'chur whore mouth, Harrison." I reply, and I grab his face and kiss him.

The room erupts into shouting, whoops and hollers as Neil holds my hands and we just make out on the floor of Ered's rich-ass house.

"WAIT A MINUTE, why is it when I do it it's GROSS!?" Shouts Nikki.

"Hey! We shame Max and Preston too!"

"It's 'cause Neil's a baby gay!" Says Ered with a laugh. "He's gotta get his training wheels first! A closet bitch!"

"OH, they grow up so fast!" Says Preston, fanning away fake tears.

The rest of the night was a blur, and when I wake up all I remembered was that conservation, snuggling up and apparently laying down next to Harrison's sleeping body. I wake up, on Ered's couch, a couple of thick blankets draped over me.

I internally thank her for having all the curtains drawn so that the room remains dark, since I don't do well with bright mornings. I then sit up, checking the time on my phone, and pulling a note out of my pocket that I don't remember being there.

 _Dear sober me,_ God, my handwriting looks like chicken scratch. _I professed my love for Harrison because life's short and we all die and I wanted to kiss him again. You KNOW we wanted to kiss him again so bad, sober Neil. Anyways, I guess we're boyfriends now, and I hope you have fun with that because I sure did. Also I'm dizzy and hungry. Get milk._

I take a deep breath before tucking the note back in my pocket. Okay then. So, weed was a mistake, never do that again. Checked that off my bucket list. And now that the damage is done, I'm not gonna break up with him just 'cause I'm worried about how my self-doubt will affect our relationship. Nobody's perfect and neither are relationships, they're work. So I'm going to work with Harrison and talk things out with him like a responsible goddamn adult.

I take a second to collect myself before getting up and entering the kitchen, surprised to see Ered on her phone, eating some chocolaty cereal. "Sup, party nerd. How was last night?"

"Awful, and don't call me that."

"Aw, looks like party pooper Neil's back. Too bad." She replies, nodding in my direction. "Harrison, Nikki and Nerris are on the back patio. Everyone else left last night. You can grab yourself whatever looks tasty for breakfast."

"Thanks. Also, thank you for letting me crash here. And for the blankets and pillows."

"Thank Harrison for the couch and shit. I woulda let you sleep on the floor, but Harrison was all like 'no look at him he's cold. he's shivering.' It was p cute."

"Great." I say, blush apparent as I pour myself a bowl of Captain Crunch and go outside to join the others.

They're all sitting in these cute little patio chairs, and I take my place next to Harrison with my cereal.

"Sup baby gay." Says Nikki with a wink.

"The hell does that mean?" I ask, wrinkling my nose in confusion.

"It means you made out with Harrison last night and then you two fell asleep together and it was adorbs! Also you declared him as your boyfriend." Explains Nerris.

"Uh, yeah, speaking of which." Begins Harrison. "You were, like, really out of it, so I get if you don't _actually_ wanna date or whatever..."

"No, it's... I do." I say, Harrison reacting with a surprised expression. "I think that high Neil was right. Kind of. Life's short and just because I'm still figuring things out doesn't mean I don't get to be happy and figure things out with someone who's equally as interested in me."

"How poetic." Says Nerris, fluttering her eyelashes at the two of us.

"Yeah, yeah." I say with a dismissive wave. "So what were you fools talkin' about before I showed up?"

"The meaning of life and what happens after you die!" Exclaims Nikki.

"Deep."

"What do you think about all that, Neil?"

"Jews are more focused on what to do right now than what comes in the afterlife." I explain. "Prepare yourself before entering the banquet hall and all that. And then the afterlife itself is left more vague, but I choose not to really think about it. As far as the meaning of life goes, I think that you kinda give it your own meaning."

"Like, stop waiting on someone or something else to tell you what to do or what your purpose is." I continue. "Go make your own purpose."

"My meaning of life is to explore and break all the bones in my body!" Exclaims Nikki.

"My meaning is to fight a dragon. What about you, Harrison?" Asks Nerris.

Harrison laughs awkwardly and replies. "I don't know. I have no idea what I wanna do with my life."

"Me neither. It's fine, though. We'll..." I say, and I hesitantly reach across to hold his hand. "Figure it out together."

"Aww! Look at them! Look at the baby gays riding their training wheels!" Shouts Nikki.

"This is one for the picture books!" Says Nerris.

"Don't patronize me. And no pictures." I reply, giving Harrison's hand a firm squeeze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE smoked a weed in my life so I decided to change it a bit so that Neil acts high instead of drunk


	5. Put A Lid On It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> q-slur warning at the very end of the chapter.

"Can you leave the room please?"

"What? No. The whole point of this exercise is so that I can study you from close range-"

"Okay but we've established that I don't have great control over what I can do and I really don't wanna fuck it up an hurt you so can you PLEASE just watch me from the door."

"Fucking fine." His stubborn ass finally relents, moving back to watch me from the door frame. I sigh in relief and nervously place a penny under one of three cups.

This is a trick that I used to do a lot when I was little. Just move the cups around, make the penny _vanish_ , and then make it re-appear. The only issue was with it re-appearing. I then grab the cups and start moving then around, steadily increasing my speed as I go, until I move them back into their original positions. I then shakily levitate the three cups up and show the penny to be missing. Neil pays rapt attention, both to the levitation and to the vanishing penny. I put the cups back down, move them around some, shut my eyes and really _focus_ on the penny returning to its place in the center cup.

I pull my hands away, eyes trained on the center cup and trying to feel the penny's presence before once again levitating the cups. The penny's back! But it's... Burnt? And bent.

"Interesting." Comments Neil, jotting down a few things in his notebook. "It's like you banished the penny to another plane of existence, perhaps."

"Can we not phrase it like that?" I ask, suddenly reminded of my brother, the idea of 'banishing' him to some other reality making me sick to my stomach.

"Sorry. Can you recall what you were thinking about, or exactly what you were thinking and feeling when performing the trick, start to finish?" He asks, re-entering the room and coming to stand beside me.

"I mean as far as making stuff 'disappears' goes it's kind of an out-of-sight out-of-mind thing. Once something's covering it up it's easy for me to just picture that it's not even there." I state, sitting on Neil's bed and holding the penny. "Bringing stuff back is what's weird. I used to not be able to do it at all. Now it's like, I have to have all the details about the damn thing _memorized_ for me to bring it back unscathed. Otherwise shit like this happens."

"Well that explains the bending, but what about the burn marks? Were you... thinking about fire or something when you made it vanish?" He inquires, taking a seat on the bed next to me.

"No. It might've been the friction from the cups moving across the cloth, I guess? Or maybe it was stuffy inside them. I dunno."

"It's plausible. I'm actually gonna go ahead and run a few tests on these cups and this cloth. Uh..." He trails off, before giving me a brief kiss on the cheek and mumbling "Love you."

He then gets up to collect the materials, and opens the door to the large walk-in closet off his bedroom which he's transformed into his own personal laboratory. I smile fondly at his show of affection; it's been hard for him to open up like that around me and I still get butterflies every time he holds my hand or gives me quick kisses.

A few minutes later and Neil comes back out of the closet (lol) with a sheet of paper, on which is printed a graph and a chart with a bunch of numbers that I can't even begin to comprehend the meaning of. "So I ran some tests and the temperature between the cloth, cups, and penny are all the same, which is unsurprising, but the temperature is the same as the room we're in. Other than that there are numerical discrepancies between all three objects, again unsurprising, so I have no idea what could have burnt it. The penny having gone to another dimension or somehow being caught up with your fire powers makes the most sense, but next time we do this whole 'disappearing' trick I want you to use something that I can track the location of. Also, my mom's coming home soon, so, uh..."

I nod. "I get it. I'll see you later tonight?" I ask, before standing and crossing the room to hold his hands.

"Yeah. For sure." He replies, with an apparent blush. His lips are trembling and his hands clammy as I kiss him goodbye, before grabbing my backpack and leaving.

* * *

 

It's been a few weeks since Harrison and I have started dating, and I still get lightheaded and sweaty whenever we're alone together. Most of our dates and time spent together is held in private, since I'm fucking paranoid of getting spotted by anyone I know, or even anyone I _don't_ know, and being ratted out to my mom. We've held hands in public twice. Once when we were at a local fair, at the end when everyone was laying on picnic blankets and watching the fireworks. Nobody was looking at us so I felt safe enough to hold his hand.

The second time was a little more... Visible. I hate malls, or anywhere with large crowds of unfamiliar people, really, and he noticed I was nervous and held my hand. I know he meant for it to be comforting, but instead I felt my heart beat twice as fast and I nearly had a goddamn panic attack at the idea of somebody noticing. I still feel guilty for pushing him away so vehemently then, but he insists that he understands and that it's okay. He's so fucking... Understanding. Way _too_ understanding.

Like, sometimes I'm worried that I'm taking advantage of him. That since I'm his childhood crush, he'd do anything to please me so he acts like he doesn't care whenever I push him away. He hasn't even picked _one_ of our dates since we got together. It's always "whatever you wanna do" with him, so tonight I insisted that he picks where we go and what we do.

My mom comes home to me finishing up some AP Chemistry homework at the dining room table.

"Hey, hon. How was school?" She greets, setting down her purse and keys and letting down her hair from her bun.

"It was fine." I reply. "I'm going bowling with Harrison tonight, by the way."

"Yeah? You've been spending an awful lot of time with him lately. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you two're datin'!" She says, before turning her back to me and casually taking a yogurt out of the fridge.

I freeze, a complete and utter panic taking over my body. Does she know? Is this a game? Is she testing me right now? Or is it just a coincidence? Just play dumb, idiot! "Haha, no. We're just close- good- close friends! We're good friends." FUCK! I'm a terrible liar.

She nods. "Yeah, I know. You two went to that stupid camp together 'an all that." She says, before sitting down at the other end of the table to enjoy her snack, not making eye contact with me. "I just think it might benefit you to hang out with more girls from time to time, is all. Snag yourself a 'lil gal pal."

I feel myself sweating and try to regulate my breathing, looking down at my finished homework rather than anywhere towards her. Fuck. Is she interrogating me right now? Is that what this is? I've never been any good at reading social situations, especially this type of complex mind game bullshit that my mother pulls. What am I supposed to do? Agree?

"Uh, yeah, I mean... I have been spending more time with him, uh- I guess, but it's not, like. It's not a big deal or anything. I mean yeah I, uh, there's a girl in my history class." I say, frantically lying off the top of my head.

"Oh really? What's her name?" Asks my mom, suddenly very interested in my romantic life, with a large smile.

"Trisha. Is her name. She's, uh, brown. Got brown hair." I say, bullshitting this fake mystery girl off the top of my head.

"You'll have ta bring her around sometime! I'll show her your old baby photos." Says my mom with a wink, and now I'm full-blown panicking.

"Aha, nah. She- we don't really talk or anything like that." I reply, before hastily grabbing my homework and trotting off to my room. "Anyway bye mom!"

I slam the door shut behind me, and once in the privacy of my room, drop my books to the floor and collapse on my bed. Oh my fucking God. What even was that conversation? Hopefully she'll just forget about 'Trisha' and I can pretend to be crushing on a different girl. I know that Preston's got this lesbian friend, Erica, who's kinda private about it. Maybe we can be each other's beards or something so that I can get my mom off my back.

But that's beside the point, right now I'm too busy freaking out about that conversation to come up with a fake girlfriend. How does she know?? _Does_ she know?? Is this leftover from that conversation from weeks ago where Tabii thought I was gay? I have honest to God no fucking idea what I'm gonna do if the truth gets out to her. She'll probably ground me to hell and back. Okay, okay, it's fine. That conversation happened, it's in the past, I need to calm down and just enjoy the night with Harrison before I try and evaluate this whole thing. I already know I'm not gonna fucking sleep tonight.

With the energy it takes for me to calm down, I'm almost exhausted by the time our date rolls around at 7. I decide to pour myself a quick cup of coffee in a portable mug to get me back in the swing of things, before heading to the door with the loud chime of the doorbell.

"Hey, Harrison."

"Hi, Neil. You ready to get your ass kicked at bowling?"

I laugh. "As if. I have a great understanding of theoretical physics. Your ass is the one that will be kicked." I reply, leaving the house to walk with him to his car.

"Yeah okay but you also have no muscle." He says, displaying this by gripping my arm before the two of us get in his car.

"Also, I, uh, have something for you." He says, before pulling a box of chocolates out of the glove compartment and sliding them my way.

I've never been very good at receiving gifts, so I just take the box and blush, struggling to get out a proper sentence. "I, uh- Thank you. It's nice. This is really sweet."

"Yeah, no problem. I love you." He says as he backs out of the driveway.

I eat half the chocolates on the way there, carefully avoiding any peanut butter ones (I'm allergic), before we arrive at the bowling alley.

"I'm paying." He says, before promptly getting out of the car to avoid my complaints.

"No the hell you are not. I have money." I retort, strolling up to the building as we continue to argue.

"No way! It's fine. I chose the place anyway."

"Who cares! No offense Harrison but the money I have on me is my mom's whereas yours you worked hard for and I honestly really don't mind paying." I reply.

"Exactly. It's my money and I want to spend it on someone who makes me very happy." He says with an easy smile.

I blush and he wins the debate with flattery, (though I _do_ slip ten bucks in his wallet while it's his turn).

It's a close match between the two of us, with me just a couple points ahead of Harrison. Harrison has the physical strength and a general understanding of where to roll the ball, while I have the perfect understanding but lacking the strength to execute it.

This time, as I'm watching Harrison go, I notice that the ball seems lighter in his hands and is weaving through the lane with ease. He has quite a serious expression on his face, as if focusing hard, and I smirk before shouting "CHEATER!"

He loses his focus and the ball drops, but still manages to knock over a good number of pins. I cackle as he turns to me with an exasperated expression before sitting beside me. The screen shows "NEIL WINS!" in bright and colorful letters, and Harrison jabs me in retaliation.

"It's not cheating! Shouting during the game is cheating."

"You cheated first, so it cancels out." I reply.

"You have that big brain of yours. My powers are just an advantage of mine."

"That's not an advantage! Using your powers is the same as having, like, a weighted ball."

"BUT using a weighted ball is you taking advantage to help yourself. Me using my powers is just me using the gift that God gave me." He teases.

"Uh huh, sure. Speaking of which, we should go gambling when we're old enough. With your powers we'd be _rich_ "

"Oh, look who's all _for_ cheating now that it benefits him."

"Shut up."

The two of us continue to tease each other like that as we change our shoes and leave out the back door, sneaking into the alley between the bowling place and a little pizza shop. I'm feeling so giddy and happy, and it's so cold and Harrison's so warm, that I don't even bother looking over my shoulder before holding Harrison's hand and kissing him.

"What's up, queer?" I hear shouted at me down the alley, and my blood runs cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCK I'M SORRY FOR THAT CLIFFHANGER ENDING BUT I'M WORKIN ON THE NEXT CHAPTER AS WE SPEAK AN THE NEXT ONE GONNA COME OUT SOON (I HOPE)!!!!!!!


	6. My Curse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Serious TW at the beginning for homophobia, antisemitism and ableism. Also violence, but it's not super graphic.

I instinctively tense up, gripping onto Harrison's shirt for dear life as he grabs my elbows to try and steady me. I'm already panicking and so far he's only said three words to us.

"What's up, faggots?" Mocks a semi-familiar voice as a pair of footsteps makes their way towards us. I look over my shoulder to see two teens, kids who go to our high school, sneering at us.

Once one of them sees my face, the smaller, more lithe one, Johnny I think, and he starts cackling. "Neil!? Holy fuck! Who knew that our lil Jew-boy Neil was a faggot too! God, you're really hittin' all the marks here, kid."

"Leave us alone." Says Harrison, firm and loud, glaring at the two boys as he grips onto me.

I'm still in so much shock I can hardly breathe. These two used to bully me quite a lot back in middle school, before Nurf did his 180-degree personality flip and decided that it was his duty to protect all the campers. He since has become a bully of the bullies, and I haven't really had to worry about this type of thing.

"Or what?" Says the other kid, Dale, venom on his tongue. "Your fuckin' bodygaurd ain't here no more. We should kill you just for existing, you goddamn freak."

"Oh, look at him! He's gonna have a tantrum, ain't he?" Mocks Johnny, making fun of my sensory overloads. "Remember when we used to used to give you a daily swirlie? Cleanse you of your impurities."

They both get closer, close enough to start swinging, and I push Harrison and I back a few feet before fumbling for my phone in my pocket. "Stay the fuck away or I'm calling the c-cops."

"Hard to do that when you don't have your phone." Replies Dale, before reaching over to slap my phone out of my hand and onto the concrete. I instinctively flinch and stumble backward, feeling Harrison grip my wrist as he moves to stand in front of me.

"I said back off!" He shouts, though I can hear the fear in his voice.

Dale doesn't even reply, immediately hitting Harrison right in the face and shoving him to the ground. Anger sparks through me as I lunge to get in between them, throwing myself over Harrison protectively. Dale is then on his knees and grabbing my hair, and I shut my eyes tight in preparation for a punch.

But the punch never comes. A second passes, and I open my eyes in confusion when I feel his hand release my head and hear Dale's piercing shrieks. I turn and his hand is inches away from my face, but it's... Mangled, twisted, and bloody. Harrison's got a bloody nose and he's glaring at him, and Johnny's mouth is agape. I turn to Harrison out of shock and fear, but he doesn't meet my eyes as he pushes both Dale and Johnny back a few feet with an unseen force.

"Oh, fuck! Oh, god, dude, what the hell did you do to me!?" Shouts Dale, tears streaming down his face.

"You leave us alone and you don't say _shit_ about this, got it? Not a goddamn word." He replies, and despite the cold tone to Harrison's voice I can feel his hand trembling as he clutches my wrist protectively, perhaps a little too hard.

Both boys nod vigorously and plead with Harrison, before Harrison tells them to run off. After that, Harrison scrambles to his feet and practically bolts out of the alley and back to the parking lot where his car is. I'm caught off guard, having to speed up substantially to keep up with him as the two of us jump inside his car.

"Get out." Harrison instructs almost immediately, and his eyes are tear stained.

I turn to him with an expression of both offense and shock. "No! You're not about to dump me outside of a bowling alley and drive off to God knows where!"

"Neil, I fucking-" He's panting, and I can tell it's from more than just the physical exertion. "I'm a dangerous- a dangerous fucking demon, oh God, I think- Did I hurt you?"

I look down to my wrist, and sure there's some pretty nasty bruises, but I doubt... It was just collateral damage! Whatever! I pull my sleeve down before looking him dead in the eye. "No. Harrison, I'm fine. And its's okay! We were just defending ourselves. They were hurting us!"

"THAT WAS NOT DEFENDING MYSELF, NEIL!" He shouts, and he's so loud that it causes me to flinch and cover my ears. He looks immediately regretful, like he thinks I'm scared of him or something, but it's _not that, god_. "I fucking- I fucking mangled a kids hand. I don't- What if he never gets full use of it again? I probably traumatized them!"

"If so then fucking good! They'e awful people and will hopefully never bother anyone again. Just 'cause you used powers to kick their asses doesn't mean shit." I sigh, exasperated. "It'd be the same if we just kicked their asses normally."

"No! It's not! Because if we had just 'kicked their asses normal' I doubt I'd be able to damage nerve endings like that. God, I..." He trails off, just looking out the window and shaking, clearly on the verge of panic, and I'm not far behind.

I take a deep breath, a million thoughts and feelings swirling around through my mind, and steady myself before coming up with step one. "We shouldn't just... Sit here. In this parking lot. Can you drive?"

"Yeah, I can-" He sighs, trembling as he starts the car and puts it in reverse. "I can drive. Where to?"

"Not my house." I reply, almost instantaneous.

Harrison chuckles a little. "Same here."

We're both quiet for a little longer, before Harrison suggests getting some gas and snacks and just... Trying to relax. I agree, and after weighing my options, I decide to send a message to the group chat saying that Harrison and I are kinda in some trouble, but we're figuring it out. I also tell my mother that we'll be running late. Hopefully so late that she'll already be in bed and we won't have to talk again till Monday.

The car ride is quiet, and although every one of my fucked up instincts is screaming at me to dump Harrison and push him away as far as I possibly can, instead I reach over and hold his hand. He twines our fingers together and squeezes, and just like that all the bad thoughts are gone. I guess he really is magic.

When we arrive at the gas station, Harrison fills up his car while I go inside to get a water bottle and a bag of chips. After that, we park outside the gas station, climb into Harrison's backseat and just... Chill. Of course, I can't help but analyze every little detail of the situation and imagine every single possible outcome (several of which end poorly) as I try to enjoy my chips. I think that Harrison notices, since he slides a bit closer to me, then hesitates before wrapping his arms around my shoulders and giving me a hug.

"I'm sorry." He says, soft and tired.

"It's not your fault." I reply, almost instantaneous. "It's nobodies fault, even if I wanna say it's mine. I suppose it's the ruffians fault at the end of the day, but you can't expect decency from people like that."

Harrison laughs a bit. "Ruffians?"

"Shut up." The two of us share a laugh and a smile, and I'm glad I've managed to lighten the mood. "I don't... Really know how to fix this, Harrison. Not yet, that is. We have to wait and see what those kids do first. That's not to say I haven't thought of what to do depending on what they might do."

I crack my knuckles, preparing to get into my ramblings and theories. "The three most likely options are as follows; A, they tell somebody, whether it be the police, parents, or their friends. B, they decide to confront us, or C, they're so scared that it all just blows over. I'm really hoping that C is the case." I say with a sigh. "If they tell the police and the police question us, we tell them what happened. Except you didn't use psychic powers, obviously, and they _did_ try to attack us first. If they tell their friends, then they _might_ try to confront us about it, in which case we should probably give the campers the run-down on this whole situation. If they tell parents-" My chest constricts at the idea of my mom knowing. "Then... We deny it. We fought back when they came at us, and that's it."

"Except I think my mom's... Already kind of suspicious." I say, and Harrison's grip tightens around me. "She talked to me today about how we spend a lot of time together and I outta get a girlfriend and all that. So, I mean... I think I'm gonna try and fake-date one of Preston's friends and start telling her that I'm hanging out with my fake girlfriend instead of you. Sorry..." I say, ashamed that I have to push Harrison away even further.

He kisses my cheek and brushes some stray hairs of mine behind my ear. "You have nothing to be sorry about."

I feel my cheeks go red hot as I try my best to recover. "So, that's- That's really all I got as far as... How to deal with the aftermath of all this."

"It'll be okay." He says, smiling at me, relaxed and easy like he really believes that. "We have each other, and we've got a whole army of kick-ass die-hard friends. We'll be okay."

I stare at him, perhaps a little _too_ long, because he's so pretty under the shadows and the distant, hazy, florescent lights from the gas station. My face is probably red as a tomato by now, when he leans in to kiss me. Our hands twine together for a moment, before releasing and touching each other all over our faces, necks, hair and chest. I'd never been touched so much in such a short amount of time, in a pleasurable way, that is, and God do I love it. I love him. I love his tender hands and his soft kisses so much, and I love getting drunk off his affection and falling asleep in his arms.

We don't go home that night, instead waking up dazed with kisses and hickeys all over our bodies, holding each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS STILL GOING ON! I've just been rly busy as of late. Next chapter sometime this or next week promise!!


	7. Witchhunt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LIVED BITCHES IM BACK
> 
> also uhh im not a doctor so the medical shit is maybe/probs inaccurate lol

We're un-bothered the rest of the weekend. They don't contact us, on social media or otherwise, and we hear nothing from the police. I can only hope that that's the last of it as I wait out the weekend at my dad's place, it being his turn for joint-custody. Harrison and I resolved to tell the others about what happened, and they all basically congratulated Harrison on his, and I quote, "huge magic balls".

I chuckle to myself at the memory, trying to relieve some stress on the ride to school this Monday morning. After all, those jerks _do_ go here, and who knows what could happen?

"You're awfully quiet, kiddo. What's on your mind?" Prompts my dad, trying to make small talk on the 4 minute drive.

"How the baby boomer generation essentially tanked the economy and kick-started global warming." I reply. That usually shuts him up.

"Not me! I was apart of the hippie movement. Your dad was _au natural~_ " He says with a weird eyebrow waggle. It seems he's been practicing a reply.

Normally, when I throw out the baby boomer guilt trip he has no clue what to say, so I get to enjoy the rest of the ride in silence. But this time, I have to say, "Dad, _gross._ " with an obvious eye roll. "And just because you didn't shower in the 70s doesnt mean you were a hippie."

He laughs an awkward, nasally laugh. "Hey, I showered! I was apart of all the protesting and the change that was being made-" He starts droning on about the 70s, and I decide to tune him out as I check my phone.

_"I'm @ school rn, my bby boy. Gettin sum bweakfast to feed my sweet li gkfshkfsydsjsjyd"_

_"asg fbs neil it S not me. @$ &#*%□□\"_

_"fucking nerri"_

_"nerris*"_

I laugh, figuring Nerris must've took his phone and decided to embarass him by texting me.

"What's so funny?" Inquires my dad, just as we pull into the driveway.

"Nothing important." I reply curtly. "See you after school."

As I make my way towards the large, grey, prison-like building, I note the lack of hostile neo-nazis-in-training approaching me and think perhaps we've lucked out.

I shiver as I remember the horrors of middle school. Even Nurf wasn't that bad. It was like a stereotypical movie about bullying, but fucking _worse_. They dunked my head in the toilet near daily, shredded my books and wrote slurs on them as well as shoving me in lockers.

As I enter the commons and cafeteria, I spot Harrison and Nerris at our usual table, as well as Max and Nikki. I approach, sitting beside Harrison as I speak. "No news yet?"

"Nothing. Dumb motherfuckers haven't even shown up to school yet. But, hey, let's be real here. They _are_ a bunch of druggie dropouts." Max replies, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Yeah! And, plus, we've got your back! They might've been able to give you a hard time in middle school, but you've got us now!" Nikki chimes.

I roll my eyes. "I don't need your protection, but thank you." Feeling bold, I take a deep breath and look around before sliding my hand under the table and clutching Harrison's.

He blushes, seeming a bit shocked at the public display of affection before he smiles at me and squeezes my hand.

"God, it's like you two are in a gay rom-com." Max complains. "And lets be real here, Neil, you may be real smart but you're not real bruttish. You could use our help and we're happy to provide." He smirks into his coffee as Nikki snickers.

I blush, pulling away from Harrison a bit hastily. "K-keep your voice down about the gay stuff! And, yeah, I know I'm not _strong_ , but I- I'm resourceful. It'll be fine." I take a deep breath, and sigh. "Probably."

" _Definitely_ " Nikki counters, rather stubbornly. "The campers? We're a fucking family, Neil, and there's no way in _hell_ anybody's fuckin' with any of our crew."

"Damn straight." Adds Max. "Or I guess, like, damn gay."

We all share a laugh, and just then Preston arrives with an exclamation of "I heard gay!" as he plops down beside Max and presses a kiss to his cheek.

"Oh! Uh, Preston-" I begin, remembering my mother's sudden piqued interest in my romantic affairs. "Do you know any, like, closet lesbians who... Need a beard, or whatever? My mom's, uh, kinda suspicious."

Preston goes wide-eyed. "Oh! Well, duh. Of course, darling. Do you mind going on fake dates? Maybe even fake double-dates?"

"I'm fine with that." I reply. "Especially with the, uh... Double- Double-date idea." I say, a blush rising as I look at Harris out of the corner of my eye.

Preston's grin only grows as he notices. "Oh, how adorable. Yeah, I know a girl who's dad is a real shit head. She's got a girlfriend and is all closet about it, I can hook ya'll up."

"Thanks." I sigh in relief. At least one part of this damn plan has been taken care of.

Soon, the bell rings, and everyone's off to their first class of the day. Surprisingly enough, the day goes by without any issues. I don't even see those neo-nazi jackasses passing through the halls, and have only heard some gossip about how one of them broke their hand recently, yet nobody knows why. Most people agree that however it happened, they deserved it. Even though the current political climate seems to be almost favoring nazis, I'm glad that most people still have their sanity. nbsp;

Preston introduces me to his closet lesbian friend, Erica, during lunch, and the two of us share a little bit about ourselves as well as our respective partners. She plays soccer and while her "underlying aesthetic" is butch, she's playing off as a chap stick lesbian for her father's sake. We comment on the irony of how it's her dad versus my mom, then go our separate ways.

It's about by 4th period that I notice people giving me some dirty looks and whispering. And I mean total _strangers_. Normally, I just try to fade into the background and ignore people, but this has me a bit paranoid. Then, I feel my anxiety spike as I read a text from Preston, "Have you seen this facebook post yet?" Followed by a link. I, of course, click it, gritting my teeth and shaking my leg under my desk.

The post begins with a picture of Dale's hand, then a picture of him at the hospital, and a picture of his hand post-surgery; covered in bandages. I read through the post, made by Dale's father, as he describes an entirely fake event designed to throw Harrison and I under the bus. The post calls us both out by name, saying that we were full-on making out in public when Dale and his friend made a noise of disgust. It says that Harrison and I then got confrontational and aggressive, when Harrison decided to break Dale's hand. The post goes on about how pda is disgusting, gay or straight, and what if there were children there, etc. By the time I'm done reading it I feel tears pricking at my eyes and am seconds away from a full-blown panic attack.

I manage to raise my hand and quietly ask to use the restroom, before going full non-verbal. Once I've sequestered myself away in one of the stalls, I curl up in a tight ball on the floor and begin to sob. Oh, fuck, this is the worst possible thing that could happen. They fucking outed us and there's no doubt my mom will find out now- _both_ my parents will, and even worse they skewed their story against us to make us seem like some irrational, angry, sex-crazed gays and half the damn school hates us. Oh, fuck, oh God, I can't live through this. I can't breathe, I can't fucking breath.

I reach a point where I'm no longer rocking back and forth but am instead unnervingly rigid as I shake, almost vibrating uncontrollably as I dig my nails into my head and try to sob but can't, because I can't fucking breath- I can't breath, or move, and my inhalers in my backpack which I didn't bring with me and I'm starting to feel sick and dizzy and- fuck- shit-

Those are the last words I manage to think as my vision goes blurry, and dark, and I've paced out on the tile floor.

 

* * *

 

When I come to, bright lights immediately blind me and I shut my eyes quick, trying to blink away stray tears as I attempt to raise my hand to my eyes and- oh _wow_ , that's slow and sluggish. I can barely drag my arm up my body and over my eyes when I hear a voice.

"He's awake." They say, and I think it's a woman's voice, but I've never heard her before.

"Good, it seems he's re-stabilizing. Keep the mask on him, though, he's not in the clear yet." Says the voice of a man.

As I continue blinking away tears from the bright light, I experimentally try to look around and holy _shit_ am I dizzy, and everything is kinda fuzzy-lookin so yep I'm just gonna keep my head laying flat right here. Based on what I _could_ see, however, it would seem I'm in an ambulance, or hospital, or some medical shit like that.

So I decide to just close my eyes, and take some deep breaths of whatever the fuck is coming in through this mask, and try to wait it out 'till I feel conscious enough to remember what the fuck is going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ones kinda short but its 2 help me get back in the swing of things.


	8. Blame

This is all my fault. Neil had a fucking crazy panic-asthma attack because of that kid's dad outting us on facebook, and furthermore, because I couldn't control myself and my stupid FUCKING powers. Oh, God, I have to fix this. I have to. If some kid hadn't found Neil freaking out in the bathroom, who knows what would've happened? He could've died and it's all my fault. I take a deep breath, trying to steady and calm myself as I think. I have to fix this. But... how?

"Harrison. Hey, bro, are you okay?" Asks Nerris, shrugging my shoulder to try and get my attention. I brush her off, trying to focus on a solution. She just simply sighs, and goes back to pretend she's working on an assignment, but let's be honest, none of us have been able to focus on anything. This is absolutely devastating.

I pull out my phone, find the facebook post, and leave a comment; "Neil and I aren't dating. We were just hanging out when Dale and his friends saw Neil and tried to attack him. We were simply defending ourselves. Does anyone else remember the relentless bullying they put Neil through back in middle school? Neil and I don't have a violent bone in our bodies. Dale tried to hit Neil, when he missed and punched a brick wall instead, full-force. Please leave us alone; Neil had a panic attack that lead to a severe asthma attack because of this and now he's in the hospital, as I'm sure you all know."

I then put my phone away. If that doesn't do it, and if people still don't believe us, then... I don't know. I'll just have to find the guy and beg him to delete the facebook post. There's no doubt Neil's mom hasn't seen it- especially since he's in the fucking ER because of it. What will she do? What about Neil's dad? What about the rest of the damn school, for that matter? Fuck. Neil doesn't deserve this- and I... I did this to him. If I had just shut up and never confessed my feelings none of this would've happened. I have... I have to make this right, no matter the cost.

 

* * *

 

"Oh, good. You're awake."

"Neil!? Oh, gosh, Neil, are you okay? How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Ugh, god, gimme a sec." I reply to the voices of my mother and father. The light above me is blinding and it takes me a few seconds to re-calibrate to my surroundings as I rub my head.

"Do you remember what happened?" Asks my dad, and when I think back to the events of the day I feel my eyes go wide and anxiety clutch at my chest.

"I had, a, uh, panic- panic attack, followed by an asthma attack." I reply, sitting up with a jolt as I look to my mother.

She as an expression of complete and sincere concern. "Do you... remember what caused it?"

I swallow nervously, twiddling my fingers as I look toward the floor. "A, uh, a dumb... Facebook post." I quickly look up, ready to defend myself. "But it- it's not what you think! Harrison and I are just- good friends- and that kid- you guys remember Dale, he attacked us- me, and he- we defended ourselves! It wasn't-"

"Neil, relax, _please_. " My mother replies, cutting off my nervous ramblings. "We're not mad. I- _I'm_ not mad. But why- why did that... Set you off so badly? You know your father and I have no problems with you defending yourself, and obviously we're not going to believe a thing out of Dale's mouth, so why...?"

Goosebumps rise on my arms and I nervously shiver, taking a deep breath before I reply. "I, uh... Harrison- I didn't... Want you to think I was gay, like he said."

" _Honey..._ " She replies, reaching over to hold my hand. "Like I said, I don't believe anything Dale says."

"And even if you were gay, it's not like we'd have a problem with that. Right?" Asks my dad, nudging my mom as he does.

She, however, remains silent.

By the time we get home, I feel anxiety gripping my chest and washing over me in steady waves. I check my phone to see that I've recieved about a million texts from my friends, as well as ones sent to the group chat. I groan before throwing myself on my bed and sending a text to the group chat. "I'm fine. I'm not dead or dying or whatever. Well, I guess I was sort-of dying. Whatever. Anyways, I'm at home and no longer in the hospital. However I AM going to take a nap, cause I'm fuckin exhausted, so I'll talk to you guys later." I then plug my phone in to charge and curl up under my weighted blanket to sleep and probably have nightmares.

When I wake up, I scroll through texts and the general gist of things is that either people at school don't believe Dale, or they don't care, since he's a neo-nazi asshole. Everyone was also freaking out about wether or not I was okay. I finally take a deep breath, then bite my lip as I go to check Harrison's tests.

"Neil, oh my god, I'm so fucking sorry. I feel terrible about the pain I've caused you and I just can't do this anymore. We need to break up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda short, so I'm probably gonna go back to it and write more??? Lol I thought it was longer so I just kinda SLAMMED that mf publish button. Anyways I'm gonna make this chapter longer soo tune back in sometime I guess.


End file.
